Just a Little Insecurity Read online

  I pulled my hood up over my head and put my sunglasses on, rushing past Luke without a word… without confrontation… without an explanation. And he was too caught up in conversation with her to realize that I—the girl he supposedly loved—had just walked by.

  I pushed through the diner door, letting myself outside. I stood in the freezing air for a few long minutes before turning back to look inside the large glass window. Bruno and Kara still watched from their table—watching and waiting—undoubtedly expecting me to turn back and cause a scene.

  And then my eyes fell on Luke.

  His shoulders were relaxed, his eyes full of hope. He laughed and smiled, grinned and blushed. He wasn’t guarded... not even in the slightest.

  He wasn’t running from this girl; he was comfortable with her.

  He was… happy.

  I pulled out my cell phone and held down the first speed dial button, letting the call ring in to Luke.

  Moments later, he leaned forward and pulled the phone from his pocket, checked the screen, ignored the call, and then pushed it aside.

  His voicemail clicked on.

  Luke, leave a message.

  “Hey,” I whispered after the beep. “I….”

  I caught a sob in my throat as I watched him reach across the table and take the woman’s hand. A simple smirk pulled on the corner of his scarred lip, and my heart fell to my stomach.

  “I’m sorry I called,” I said, turning my back to the window.

  I couldn’t look at him anymore. I couldn’t watch them together. I couldn’t understand what was going on, what I’d somehow missed.

  “I know… I know you’re busy, and I didn’t expect you to answer. It’s okay… um…. I just… I wanted to… tell you that I don’t… I don’t want to do this anymore.” I swallowed hard and felt a tear slip down my cheek. “I get it; I’m just a kid. And you need more from a relationship than what I can offer. Because I’m… just a kid,” I said again, but I finally found the nerve to say what I’d been meaning to say all along. “I don’t know how to trust you anymore, Luke. I don’t trust you. I…I love you, I do… but I just… don’t… trust… you.

  Chapter Five

  Saturday, February 23

  It was a sleepless night.

  Try as I might, I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned for hours as I replayed the past few weeks over and over in my mind. Luke and I had had many exchanges over the past few months. I mean… it felt like we’d been through hell and back in less than a year. So much had happened, and through it all, he’d never once indicated that I was the source of his unhappiness.

  Sure, I could frustrate the man without trying. And yes, I had a special way of bringing out his anger. But if Luke didn’t want to be with me… why would he have gone through the trouble of spilling his heart to Charlie? Why would he have risked so much, his life… for nothing?

  It didn’t add up.

  But I heard what I heard.

  And I saw what I saw.

  Kara showed up at the house first thing this morning and demanded I come shopping with her. She went on and on about the need for a whole new wardrobe, but I had a feeling that her sudden need for retail therapy had more to do with me than her. Bless her heart; all she wanted was to help me get my mind off of Luke.

  But it was impossible, because just as we clocked our second hour at the outlet mall, I caught sight of Luke as he headed straight for us.

  “I think you drunk-dialed me last night,” he said, his scarred lip curving into a goofy smile. He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek as he cupped my elbow in his palm. “Can I steal you for a second?”

  I looked up from the clothing rack and watched as Kara glared at Luke.

  “Julie and I are having some girl time—”

  “I just need a minute,” he said, smiling at her in a way that no woman could say no to. Kara nodded and walked away, but I noticed she remained in earshot. Luke bent at the waist to catch my eye. “Julie?”

  “What?” I said, not daring to look at him.

  “Look at me,” he whispered, leaning over to steal my gaze. “What’s going on?”

  “Luke,” I said, dropping my head. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No,” he said, lifting my chin. “I checked my calls last night to find a voicemail from you rambling on about a load of nonsense—”

  “Nonsense?” I asked, doing my best to keep my voice low. “Luke, that wasn’t nonsense. That was me telling you how I feel, me trying to communicate with you while you ignored me.”

  “I wasn’t ignoring you—”

  “I can’t even dignify that with a response,” I said, remembering the way he’d pushed his phone aside at the sight of my call.

  “Julie,” he said, lowering his voice. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  “I don’t want to talk, Luke,” I said, pulling my arm from his grasp. “I wanted to talk last night when I called you. But that was then, this is now. I just want to get back to shopping with Kara. I want to find a beautiful dress, one so overpriced that no one should ever buy it, try it on, take it home, and forget that you had the nerve to just come in here and interrupt the one day that I had specifically set aside not to see you. And how did you even find me here, anyway? I told Charlie not to tell you—”

  “I called Matt—“

  “Of course,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  His eyebrows pulled together as he watched me back away. “Julie—”

  “I’m done, Luke,” I said. “I’m not gonna be one of those girls—”

  “One of what girls?”

  “One of those girls who everyone feels sorry for,” I said. “One of those girls whose friends watch her with sad eyes when her boyfriend breaks her heart… one of those girls who gets kicked around—”

  “Who’s kicking you around?”

  “You are, idiot!”

  Luke’s eyes widened and he took a step back. “Julie, can you stop talking for one second?”

  “No,” I said. “I called you last night. And I know I said that I didn’t expect you to pick up, but I did. Because you’ve been blowing me off for weeks! I know you said that you wanted to take the time to reconnect with your dad, and I gave you that time. I didn’t interfere, not once. And when you finally made time for me, I was thrilled; that’s all I wanted. But you’ve given me two hours of your life out of the last two months. And you’ve given more of your time—my time—to someone else.”

  “No, Julie… listen—”

  “I’m done, Luke,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. “I should’ve listened to Charlie when he said I deserved more than you. I should’ve listened to Derek.”

  “Julie, let me explain—”

  “It’s over,” I said, putting my hands up to surrender. “Maybe you don’t have room in your life for my teenage drama, but I don’t have room in my life for a liar.”

  Monday, February 25, 3PM

  I made life a living hell for Charlie and Matt all weekend. This, of course, wasn’t intentional. But I could be adult enough to admit that I wasn’t a pleasant person to live with after breaking things off with Luke. My biggest problem was that I just couldn’t be adult enough to stop acting like a child. I moped around the house, slammed doors, and mumbled in response to every question thrown my way.

  “Alright,” Charlie said, sticking his head in my room. “If you slam this door one more time—”

  “What?” I asked. “If I slam this door one more time… what? You’ll threaten me? Lock me up and throw away the key?” Charlie scrunched his brow. “Take my phone? Here, have it.” I threw it at the door. “I have nowhere to be, and no one to talk to, so good luck coming up with a punishment—”

  “Julie,” he said, stepping in. He walked over to the bed, sat on the corner and took my hands. “I’m not here to punish you, Pumpkin. I’ve tried talking to you all weekend, and you don’t want to talk. And that’s fine. But this attitude… this… hatefulness… it has to stop.” He drop
ped his head to meet my stare. “What’s going on?”

  “Why did you pair me with Luke?”

  His eyes widened as if my question took him by surprise. “What do you mean, exactly?”

  “When you told me I could put in my job shadowing hours at the station… I thought you were going to give me a desk job,” I said. “But you paired me with Luke. Why?”

  “It was an opportunity for valuable experience—”

  “I didn’t need field experience, Charlie,” I said. “And you knew that. Dad taught me everything I cared to know about that job—”

  “I thought it would help you—”

  “No.” I stared at my feet. “You could’ve put me with anyone… why Luke?”

  “He was the best guy for the job,” he said. “He knew how much it meant to me.”

  “Or?”

  “What do you want me to say, Julie?” he asked. “I didn’t pair you together hoping you’d fall madly in love, okay? I needed someone to snap you back. You were an emotional wreck, disoriented. You and Luke had so much in common. I thought he could help you—”

  “Well, he didn’t help me,” I said, staring at my lap. I did my best to restrain the tears that were stinging my eyes, but with Charlie sitting so close for comfort, I couldn’t hold it back any longer.

  “And that right there—those tears, Julie—is exactly why I regret introducing the two of you.” Charlie rested his hand on my back. “I should’ve known better.” I cried harder and Charlie tightened his grip on me. “I don’t understand what happened, Julie. Two months ago, you were ready to give up everything for him. What changed? What did he do?”

  “Why do you assume he did something?” I asked through tears. “How do you know it wasn’t my fault?”

  “Okay… what did you do?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, throwing my head in his lap. And for the next ten minutes, my tears soaked his pants legs. He held me, rocking me back and forth. I was the daughter he never had—and probably never wanted (because of episodes just like this)—but he coddled me anyway.

  “I, uh….” Charlie drifted off into a slur. He sat me up and turned to me, keeping a firm grasp on my hands. “I can’t believe I’m even saying this, but you need to talk to him.”

  “I can’t; I told him to leave me alone—”

  “Julie,” he said. “There are many things I’ve come to believe in my lifetime and a few of those things I’ve come to know for certain. And, well, Trigger’s as stubborn as they come. If you’re waiting on your knight in shining armor to come to his senses, scale the tower walls and rescue you, you’ll go to your grave waiting.”

  “But—”

  “Luke will protect you when you’re in need. He’d die to keep you safe, Julie; I don’t think you need reminding of that. But he will always—and I mean always—operate as a bodyguard, not a prince.” He pointed to his head. “Luke’s not programmed to chase. He doesn’t play games.”

  “If that’s what you think… then you don’t know Luke at all.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Because… you say he doesn’t play games, but if you knew half the things I know—”

  “Things you know?” he asked. “Or things you think you know?”

  I looked down at my feet again. At that moment, Charlie reached over and took my necklace in his fingers.

  “You had your chance to take the easy route, Julie. You had a man throwing himself at you, waiting for you. He would’ve chased you, yes. He would’ve been your prince. He wouldn’t have let you slip away knowing he still had options. He would’ve stopped at nothing to make you happy.” He finally dropped my necklace and it landed softly against my skin. “But you didn’t choose Derek; you chose Luke. And choosing Luke came with its own set of struggles, Julie. I warned you about that. I tried to warn you away from it. But you wanted him, and you refused to listen to reason.”

  “I didn’t think he’d break my heart—”

  “You need to understand what kind of man you ran after.” He swallowed hard and sat straighter. “When Trigger’s told to stand down, he stands down. He’s not going to chase you, no matter how long you wait. If you want to be with him, you have to go after him. You have to initiate that first move. That’s the only way this relationship will ever work.”

  Friday, March 01

  “Hello?”

  The sound of his voice startled me.

  It shouldn’t have; I called him. Isn’t that what people are supposed to do, answer their calls?

  “Hello?” he asked again. “Julie? Are you there?”

  “Luke,” I said, clearing my throat. “Sorry. I was just going to leave a message. I didn’t think you’d answer.”

  The line went quiet, but I could still hear the faint sound of his breathing on the other end.

  “I won’t keep you,” I finally said. “I just wanted to… say I’m sorry.”

  “Can we meet somewhere?” he asked. His voice carried the slightest hint of desperation.

  Another minute went by and I didn’t answer.

  “I don’t want to fight with you, Julie. I’m driving myself crazy—”

  “Sure,” I said. “When can you fit me in?”

  “The sooner the better. Now, if you can swing it. There’s so much I need to say to you.”

  “Like?” He took another deep breath, but didn’t answer. “Should I worry?”

  “No,” he said, letting out a long breath. “You weren’t wrong when you accused me of lying to you, Julie; I did. I lied. And you had every right not to trust me.”

  “Luke—”

  “I wasn’t being honest with you. And I need to see you. I need to tell you everything, Jules—beginning to end.”

  “You’ll tell me everything,” I repeated, but it wasn’t a question.

  There was something unsettling about the way his words sounded. Everything. What did he mean? Everything?

  Sorry Julie, I cheated on you?

  Sorry Julie, I never loved you?

  Sorry Julie, I never want to see you again?

  “Meet me at the District Café,” I said, trying not to read much more into what he’d said. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”

  The five minute walk through Oakland was the longest trip of my life. Everything he’d said still weighed heavily on my mind. After all we’d been through, hadn’t Luke learned by now that honesty was the key to making this relationship work? He’d spent so long running from me, from his feelings. And when he’d finally confronted them, vocalized them, and allowed himself to be a little vulnerable, things started falling into place. And then he snapped right back into his shell of secrecy.

  I lied.

  About what? I should’ve asked.

  I’ll tell you everything.

  Great! But what’s that mean, exactly?

  The heaviness settling in my stomach made me question whether or not I really wanted to know what everything really meant. What if it was monumental? What if it would change the way I looked at him for the rest of my life? What if… what if he closed the door on everything we were meant to have?

  Luke sat at a corner table in the back of the café. Still in his uniform after a long day on patrol, he stood as I approached. He helped me with my chair and then reclaimed his seat.

  “Can I get you—”

  “I don’t want anything,” I said, hoping he’d just cut straight to the point. I had no interest in making small talk over coffee while he drummed up the nerve to tell me why he’d asked me here.

  “You should take your coat off,” he said, nodding at a nearby fireplace. “You might get too warm—”

  “I think I’ll keep it on,” I said, having no idea how long I’d be here, or how fast I’d want to flee if I didn’t like what he had to say. I leaned forward and rested my hands on the table. “Let’s do this, Luke. You said you were going to tell me everything… what’s that mean?”

  He looked up from his mug and bit his lip. The way his fingers gripped th
e glass made me long to feel the warmth of his touch.

  “Matt won’t be happy when he finds out that I’m telling you—”

  “What’s Matt have to do with anything?” I asked. “I thought you wanted to talk about us?”

  “You’ve been worried about him, Julie,” he said, finally letting his hand off the mug. He reached across the table and threaded our fingers together. “And I know what he’s been up to. I’ve known since the beginning… and if it’ll earn me some of your trust, I want to tell you what’s going on.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “First, you have to promise you’re not going to tell him that I told you—”

  “I can’t do that—”

  “Then I can’t tell you,” he said, dropping his head. “If he finds out you know, he’ll know I said something—”

  “Then don’t tell me,” I said, pulling my hand from his. I pushed myself back from the table and stood. “I thought you asked me here to tell me the truth, not to list the conditions of your honesty. I’m just gonna go—”

  “Julie, no,” he said, grabbing my wrist. “I’m sorry. Please… sit down.” His eyes grew sadder as he watched me from his chair. “Please.”

  “You said you’d tell me everything—”

  “I will,” he said, and I reluctantly slid back into my seat. “Can you please take off your coat, Jules? You’re making me nervous. I want to know that you’re going to stay, hear me out… to the very end.”

  I took a deep breath and nodded. I unzipped my zipper and pulled the coat off. After hanging it on the back of my chair, I turned back and pushed my hair over my shoulders. I rested both arms on the table and watched him intently, but he was no longer meeting my gaze. He wasn’t looking at me the way he’d looked at me before.

  “Julie,” he said, his voice growing thicker. “What are you wearing?”

  I looked down at my shirt and immediately noticed Derek’s old house key resting gently on my chest.

  “Oh,” I said, quickly tucking it inside my shirt. “Sorry, I—”

  “Where’s the necklace I gave you?”

  “I’m wearing it,” I said, reaching back in my shirt and pulling both keys out. “See? I haven’t taken it off; not once, I swear.”